Infants: tiny, helpless angels with the most delicate little fingers and toes, almost too precious to touch?

…OR superheros in disguise, clothed in pint-sized onesies, prepared to take over your life?

I submit that it’s the latter.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned about Weston in the last six weeks, it’s that he harbors superpowers which, if left in the wrong hands, could take over the universe and somehow lead to the swift destruction of all the major cities in the world.

Good thing most real-life villains were probably never babies. (Hitler, for instance. You think Hitler was ever cuddly and cute, cooing and smiling innocently at his mom underneath that infamous moustache? Think again.)

Weston’s Superpowers: An Overview

This baby came with a built-in altitude sensor that allows him to determine, even with closed eyes, exactly when you’ve begun lowering him from your arms toward his bed. An alarm goes off in his head that says “Warning, warning! Declining altitude! Engage wake-up response!”

Weston has also managed to disarm one of my own natural defenses: the gross-out response. It no longer engages at the sight of poo or projectile spit-up.

When he fills his diaper, it explodes with forces that break the sound barrier, resulting in fart sounds that send anyone nearby into helpless fits of laughter. (Until he does during church service. Then it will send nearby parents into fits of embarrassment.)

Remove his dirty diaper, and you’ll see one of Weston’s most indefensible powers. It’s a superhuman sensor that, when it encounters fresh air, triggers his most accurate weapon: the peeing reflex. Not only does Weston pee instantly the moment you remove his diaper, but he aims with precision accuracy, able to leap nearby protective coverings and concentrate his urinary laser beam precisely in your most vulnerable location.

Imagine if that weapon were to get into the wrong hands!

But it would be nothing compared to his most dangerous power of all: the memory eraser.

Remember the memory eraser pen in Men in Black? Flash it in someone’s eyes, and they instantly forget whatever just happened. Weston has a similar weapon: his smile. When I see it coming, I know I’m helpless to resist its powers. Instantly I forget the poop I just cleaned off his tiny butt, the 3 a.m. wake-ups or any momentary fussiness. Cries? What cries. I don’t remember anything like that.

Don’t worry, citizens. We’ll be careful not to let his powers fall into the wrong hands. Weston stands for the forces of good.

Now, off to bathe my little caped crusader!