Listen, it’s tough being a baby, let’s just be honest. When’s the last time you had multiple people laugh at the face you make when you poop?

But there are some major perks, like riding in strollers. And being undeniably cute. And free room and board.

I try to help make up for my cost of living by helping out around the house. I think mom and dad really appreciate my contributions, so I’m posting this helpful list for other babies who are looking to give back:

• Keep clutter at bay by clearing off the ottoman or the table. When left unattended, these surfaces tend to collect pesky things like decorations, glasses of water or expensive cameras. Simply sweep them to the floor to keep things clutter-free.
• Help mom chase the vacuum. Crawl along behind it, or get right in its pathway so it doesn’t get too far in front of her.
• Mimic the vacuum by yelling “AHHHHHH” for as long as you can as soon as you hear it turn on. This functions like a train whistle, helping to warn others that it’s coming.
• Or, self-vacuum. I’ve become quite adept at finding the most miniscule of particles on the floor and taste-testing them for cleanliness.
• Spread out the laundry, so mom can see what needs to put away.
• Unroll the toilet paper. This is a major timesaver for grown-ups later.
• Help feed the dog by spreading your food carefully all over the rug.
• Provide restful background music. This is best accomplished with a pots-and-pans drum solo.

I’ve found many more ways to contribute which I’ll share in the future, but this should keep you busy for now. In the meantime, I need to go help mom take down some of the Christmas ornaments which keep accumulating on our tree.