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Miracle Tree and a Suicidal Jade

There is a ridiculous little drama playing out in my kitchen right now. Just look at this.

Okay, let’s get a little closer:

What?! There is so much wrong with this picture.


Why is everything I’m intending to grow dead or dying?

Please, please do not send the Department of Family and Children’s Services to my home based solely on my obvious lack of natural nourishing instincts. However, if there is a DFACS equivalent for plant life, I am prepared to turn myself in.



This is completely absurd. Not that I remember much anything about biology, but I’m pretty sure in order for this weed to exist, a male plant part and a female plant part would have had to find each other and make sweet love (is that completely off?).

And I like to think my home is not the most fertile grounds for botanical mating rituals? Could be wrong?

…then, said offspring (pollen? seed?) would have had to float on a magic carpet and despite all odds, land in this tiny 8-inch circle of fertile soil on my countertop. His life is a miracle.

I’m pretty sure my understanding of botany is ultra science-y and precise, but I may be slighty rusty.


The jade plant which was intentionally groomed, nurtured and loved, and carefully potted in this plant mansion… is giving up and literally trying to jump out of the pot onto the cold countertop where it can wither and die.

Don’t do it, jade! You have so much to live for!

It’s all very dramatic.

Andy and I had an important family meeting to decide how to deal with this situation. We both agreed not to dig up the weed for now, mostly on principle (He overcame such odds to get here! It’s a miracle! Look at the little sport go!) but also because we want to see what he grows up to be.

I’m betting it’s a magical beanstalk.

Let's connect



    hilarious Kelly! I always love reading your blog. and I can't wait to find out more about this magical weed you have 🙂

  2. Meghan @ Wishful Thinking says:

    Ok, this is hilarious! Plants wither and die when they see me coming but I never considered that they could have suicidal tendancies! I managed to grow a weed inside too. Except I acutally thought it was a flower…I felt very betrayed when someone kindly pointed out it was a weed!

  3. Anonymous says:

    My mom has a jade plant that she basically ignores and maybe waters once every two months and it is gigantic and fabulous. Perhaps you loved it to death? 🙂

  4. Anonymous says:

    They are very easy to over-water. either that, or it needs to be on a window sill.

  5. rindercella @ neatheringourfest says:

    your melodramas always crack me up! 🙂 how dare that little weed have the audacity to take over your jade plants home cant wait to see episode two of this soap opera. will jade live? how did weed mysteriously appear in the life of jade? will jade die and then make a surprise comeback, revealing that she, in fact, never died… she staged the whole catastrophe to make weed think it was her fault when she was actually written out for materniry leave…

    wow. i just took that a little too far. 😉

  6. Erin @ His & Hers says:

    Your poor little plant. That weed is nuts! I don't remember much about bio, either, except that my teacher talked about llamas a lot, which I'm pretty sure wasn't very relevant to the topic at hand. It makes me wonder what my students are going to remember about my class in 10 years. 😛

  7. james @ agirlcalledjames says:

    haha thanks for the laugh this morning. suicidal jade and a magical weed, now that's a story.

  8. I can’t stop laughing! In my post today I called myself a Serial Plant Killer. We would make quite a team! The weed cracks me up! I would leave it and see what is becomes – maybe it will get a little flower on it. Then, you know that after it gets pretty, that’s when the killer instinct hits. It will be dead in a week. Ha! Missi

  9. I love this post beyond all other beloved posts because I too can grow amazing weeds. Weeds out of nothing. Supersonic weed that regrow when I pull them stronger and bigger and more powerful. With bigger leaves. And thorns that can prick your fingers and slice through your palms …


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